my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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