my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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