dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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