Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
