just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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