I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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