I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
My ass is underappreciated
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
