The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
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