she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
