I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
birth control should be required to get into college
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Terrible idea I love it
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
