My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
