paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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