One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
