Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
