i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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