then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
