Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
