its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
This house was built for laser tag.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
