quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
