just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
