Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
