his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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