At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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