Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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