I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
