someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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