the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
