I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
