I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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