He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
