I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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