Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I didn't shave. On purpose
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Randomize
