i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
