HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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