On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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