Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
