party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
