The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
