My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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