there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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