So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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