I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
