Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Randomize
