if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
