I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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