whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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