Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
