Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
