i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Send help, water and tortillas.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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