So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Randomize
